


A Love To Light The Shadows

by IllegalCerebral



Series: CM Bingo 2019 [5]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Bakery and Coffee Shop, CM Bingo 2019, Confrontations, Elle is pissed, F/M, Fix-It, Heartbreak, JJ is a mess, Love Confessions, Sad Spencer Reid, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 22:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: After the hostage situation Elle knows something is bothering Spencer and when she finds out about JJ's confession she doesn't know how to deal with it. All she knows is that she has to do something.Set in the same universe as 'Familiar Strangers' but it's not necessary to read that





	A Love To Light The Shadows

It was like waiting for a storm to hit, Elle thought. The pressure in the air increased, thick grey clouds engulfed them and the only question was when exactly the rain would start to fall. Rossi’s wedding was when it got really weird. The entire BAU had been so excited to see their friend happy; then they had been called away on a last minute case and by the time the big day had arrived something seemed a little off.

“Is this okay?” Elle gave a twirl at the bottom of the stairs, the purple shimmery fabric hugging her figure tight. Despite being pretty much fully accepted back into the BAU family, Elle was still keen to make a good impression. Bethenny had been roped into a frantic dress-shopping weekend and they had tried on pretty much everything in DC before settling for an evening dress in Spencer’s favourite colour. As she moved the dress rippled with greens and blues and she wore a few pieces of gold jewellery, a chain around her neck and a ring, to set the whole thing off.

“Sorry?” Spencer blinked “Oh wow. You look…wow”

“Have you been tying your tie this whole time?” Elle frowned. She gently pulled it from Spencer’s hands and looped around his neck. As she deftly tied it Elle couldn’t help but notice the faraway expression on Spencer’s face and the slight crease in his brow.

“Where are you right now?” Elle asked. Spencer shook his head

“Here” he said firmly. He pressed a lingering kiss to Elle’s knuckles and squeezed her hand “You know I love you right?”

Weddings were supposed to be happy and Rossi’s had all the semblance of a celebration of love as long as you didn’t look too closely at the details. Firstly it was just Lisa’s conspicuous absence and Luke’s feeble cover up that Elle noticed. That was nothing compared to JJ’s obvious discomfort. There was a tight smile on her face all night that threatened to curdle into a grimace. She flinched when Will took her hand and she constantly fidgeted like she was desperate to get up and flee the room Cinderella style.

“Is she okay?” Elle whispered to Spencer, making him jump.

“Who?”

“JJ. She looks…distracted and she’s been avoiding everyone”

“Everyone?” Spencer echoed. Elle gave a small shrug.

“Well she spoke a little to Rossi and Krystall  and she was with Emily and Tara earlier though I think they approached her. She hasn’t even spoken to you all day and whenever Will touches her or speaks to her she seems really uncomfortable”

“Our last case was hard” Spencer said. There was tightness to his voice that made Elle study him more closely. He was tired but also sad, and that intensified during Emily’s speech about twin flames. Elle laced her fingers in his, her thumb brushing the back of his hand. He glanced up at her and some of the melancholy seemed to dissipate when Elle mouthed ‘I love you’. He whispered it back like a prayer but his eyes were glassy. He turned back to Emily and that’s when Elle locked eyes with JJ who looked away just as quickly. Something in Elle’s stomach twisted, a sour taste coated her tongue as she tried to decipher the expression on JJ’s face. Was it jealousy? Resentment? Longing?

It stuck with Elle the whole night, even as she and Spencer danced, when Luke refilled everyone’s glasses as Garcia regaled them with a story and especially when she saw Spencer and JJ whispering by the bar before the cake was cut.

“Don’t be that woman” Elle whispered to herself. It looked like Spencer was trying to reassure JJ about something. From the tears threatening to spring from JJ’s eyes Elle didn’t think it was working. Then Spencer asked a question and JJ didn’t answer. Her lips parted but she looked everywhere but Spencer’s face. He nodded; expression blank and then hurried back to Elle with two glasses of wine.

“You never drink”

“Tonight’s a special occasion,” said Spencer, “To love”

“To love” Luke bellowed from behind them and the rest of the room joined in.

“To love” Elle echoed, wishing she could ignore the hollow feeling in her chest.

 

Long ago Elle had resolved to be the kind of person who didn’t let things bubble under the surface but this was completely different; she had no idea how to approach the subject. Two weeks after the wedding, when she felt things had percolated long enough, Elle dropped the girls with Charlie and texted Spencer she was ordering takeout for them. Then she waited.

“I thought Charlie was taking the girls next weekend,” Spencer said with a frowned as he kissed Elle that night.

“I asked him if we could jiggle stuff around” said Elle gesturing to the sofa “I think we need to talk”. Once a profiler always a profiler, Elle thought grimly as she took in the slight quiver of Spencer’s lip, his wide eyes, and the blood draining from his face. It was like sirens and lights to her. At least he didn’t try and pretend nothing was wrong.

“I…I wasn’t sure if I should say something” he mumbled, “The last thing I want is to hurt you”

“Keeping secrets hurts me,” Elle said. Her voice was thicker than she meant for it to be.  Pushing any emotion down she continued “Honestly it’s worse trying to guess what’s going on with you and not knowing how worried I should be”

“I don’t really know how to start” Spencer ran his hands through his hair.

“Maybe the beginning?”

To her surprise Spencer launched into a detailed run down of the case just before Rossi’s wedding. Elle listened, with a dry mouth and a pounding heart as he explained about the unsub’s motivations and how everything had come to a head with Spencer and JJ tied up and staring down the barrel of a gun.

“You should have told me Spencer!” Elle said. “I should know that that you were taken hostage”

“He wanted to play truth or dare” Spencer screwed his eyes shut “The judge wouldn’t so JJ volunteered”

There it was, the crux of whatever was bothering Spencer. The hostage situation meant nothing in comparison to whatever had come out of this sick game.

“Spencer…”

“For a moment I thought we were gonna die” he said softly “I kept seeing you and the girls and I was terrified I was never going to see you again. You need to know that. If he’d killed me the last thing I would have thought of was you. JJ picked truth and the unsub wanted to know her deepest secret or he was going to shoot me”

“What did she say?”

Spencer swallowed, a tear rolled down his cheek.

“She said she loved me. She said she’s always loved me but could never tell me and now things are too complicated”

The silence that followed crackled with electricity. Elle’s head was flooded with white noise as any semblance of a coherent thought slipped from her grasp. JJ. Love. Always. JJ. Love. Spencer. Complicated. The words clashed like mismatched puzzle pieces, nothing fit together in a way that made sense.

“Elle please say something”

“Do you…do you?” Do you feel the same? Elle wanted to ask but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words if there was even the tiniest chance of the answer being yes. Spencer frowned and then realisation struck like lightning and in one swift motion he pulled Elle close, burying his face in her hair as she flung her arms around his neck.

“Oh no, Elle, no” he murmured, kissing her temple “You know that I don’t feel that way about anyone except you”

“I know” Elle sniffed, “I know but for a split second I thought that’s why you were upset”

When Spencer pulled back it was with slumped shoulders, like the weight of everything was bearing down on him.

“I don’t know what to do. At the wedding I asked if she meant it and she didn’t give me a straight answer. JJ is going out of her way to avoid me, I’m positive she asked Emily not to pair us up in the field and she never says more than two words to me if she can help it”

Elle bit her lip. Several thoughts were competing for dominance in her head right then. The first was the certainty that if it came to it she could take JJ in a fight. Yeah she may have gone away and gotten Justice Department ninja training or whatever but Elle had spent her childhood picking fights with kids twice her size in Brooklyn and she wasn’t afraid to fight dirty. The second was resentment that the tentative friendship building between the two women since Spencer’s shooting was irreparably damaged. Thirdly there was pure disbelief that JJ of all people would jeopardise her marriage or risk hurting her children. Just when Elle thought she was going to explode from it all Spencer’s voice broke through her thoughts and all that was left was anguish at seeing the man she loved so in pain.

“I think I lost my best friend”

Elle pulled him back, pressing kisses over the tears that coated his cheeks. It cut deep to see him that way.

“You don’t know that” Elle whispered gently, “Maybe there’s a logical explanation”

“What possible explanation could there be? And even if it is true why did she think that was the time and the place to tell me? “ Spencer balled his hands into fists, “And now she’s completely cut herself off and I feel like it’s my fault and I haven’t even done anything. The whole team knows, it’s obvious and it’s just…”

“Just what”

“It’s unfair Elle. It feels childish to say that but it’s how I feel” Spencer’s fists unclenched and he just looked wretched again. Elle pulled him close once more and he rested his head on her shoulder. There were no words of advice she could summon up, nothing she could say to make it all better. They spent the night tangled up in the same position on the sofa. Spencer eventually drifted off to sleep with Elle carding her fingers through his hair. For her sleep wouldn’t come, instead she desperately turned the situation over and over and over in her mind, willing a solution to present itself.

  Will looked at Elle in confusion as she stood on his doorstep with a beaming smile on her face.

“Sorry, JJ didn’t say anything about brunch” he said “Hey JJ!”

“Will what-Elle?” Considering the circumstances Elle didn’t feel even slightly guilty at the look of apprehension that flashed over JJ’s face. It was quickly replaced by a calm mask, “What are you doing here?”

“Brunch” Elle frowned “Oh don’t tell me I got the dates mixed up. Spencer told me to double check the calendar before I left”

“Spencer”

“Yep” Elle smiled popping the ‘p’. She could practically hear the cogs in JJ’s brain whirring at break neck speed.

“No, you’re right…I just forgot. I’m really sorry, can we do it another time. We’re supposed to go grocery shopping and-“

“No!” Will protested, “You guys go have fun. I can handle shopping”

“Will”

“It’s been a full on couple of weeks” he said, kissing her on the cheek “You deserve to have a little r and r”

“Thanks babe” JJ said weakly. Within a few minutes she had grabbed her bag and the two of them were wandering down the street to a little café near JJ’s house in tense silence.

“They do really good doughnuts” JJ said in a faint voice as they lined up to order.

“I’ll have a pot of Chai please and could I get a non-fat latte for my friend. One sugar.”

“You know my coffee order?”

Elle shrugged.

“I pick stuff up. Want a doughnut? I’m getting a bakewell slice”

The whole time they were getting settled, JJ kept sneaking glances Elle’s way and Elle was very familiar with the sensation of being profiled.

“So” she began smoothly. JJ didn’t speak. Clever, she had no idea how much Elle knew and she couldn’t work out Elle’s feelings right now. “Okay, I’m just going to cut right too it. I know what you did.”

“What I did?” JJ repeated.

“I’m not…well I am mad to be totally honest with you but I’m trying to put that to one side because Spencer is hurting right now and I want to do everything in power to fix that”

That was it that was her way in. JJ’s face went slack with grief as Elle leaned forward.

“Is he…is he really upset?”

“He thinks he’s lost his best friend and he feels like he’s done something wrong. You and I both know he hasn’t so spill”

“It’s complicated Elle”

“You told him you’ve always loved him! Fuck yeah it’s complicated but only because you made it that way”

“Shhh” JJ hissed “Will and I bring the boys in here all the time”

“Oh so now you’re worried about your kids”

“Elle” JJ’s eyes flashed with anger “Don’t go bringing my kids into this. This is my mistake, not theirs”

“So it is a mistake. You were lying?”

No, the look of shame on JJ’s face was all the proof Elle needed that, if nothing else, JJ was telling the truth. Something hot and unpleasant twisted in the pit of her stomach and she had to look away.

“I’m sorry” JJ mumbled.

“Yeah I bet” Elle said, the edges of her vision blurring.

“I am! I thought the feelings would go away someday but they never did and then we were going to die.”

“It’s not like that was new for you”

“But after everything that’s happened over the last few years, prison and Barnes and the shooting then the abduction, it just…it just came out. I never intended him to know, I swear to god. I never said it to try and start something with him. I know…I know he doesn’t see me like that”

A small sliver of relief rippled through Elle, weak but there nonetheless.

“So you don’t want to divorce Will and run off with Spencer?”

“No! It’s different. Its kind of a ‘what could have been’. We were always close you know? It took me a long time to realise that we were interpreting that closeness in different ways”

“You assumed he had feelings for you?” Elle didn’t mean for it to come out so acidly and she felt bad when JJ flinched at the suggestion.

“No” JJ lied, “I misread the situation, and then there was Atlanta”

After all these years JJ still blamed herself for Spencer’s abduction and the torture and addiction that followed, Elle realised.

“I wanted to save him but he pushed me away. He pushed all of us away and then I met Will. I think that was the start. That was when I realised that Spencer had never thought about me in a romantic way and it would never work out and I moved on and I had something wonderful. But it was always there, that possibility in the back of my mind. There were times when I imagined what could have been. The times when things weren’t going so well at home I would let myself pretend a little and then I would lock it away when things got better. Oh God that sounds horrible doesn’t it? I am the worst fucking person in the world”

“It sounds human” Elle admitted grudgingly. God she wanted to hate JJ more than anything. It would make it all so much easier. “What you do next will determine if you’re the worst person in the world”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do” JJ sighed, “I hate the fact that I’ve hurt him. Regardless of anything else he’s my best friend and he has been through so much”

“Honestly I didn’t have much of a plan beyond luring you here under false pretences to find out what’s going on” Elle said, sipping her tea “But one thing I do know is that you need to make things right with Spencer because you’re absolutely right. He’s been through enough.”

“I will” JJ nodded her head furiously “I just need a little time to work out how to do that”

“Can I ask you something? It’s a genuine question; I’m not starting a fight here”

“Sure”

“Is part of the reason you told Spencer now because he’s happy?”

JJ blinked, she struggled to find the words.

“I’m not saying you’re jealous,” Elle said, though that was front and centre in her mind. Part of JJ’s control issues was a tendency to mother everyone and Elle knew the emotional fallout that could come from a child no longer needing its mother and flying the nest. “Maybe it just felt like a safe time?”

“I…” JJ stared down into her coffee cup “I hadn’t thought of it that way. I wasn’t the most supportive person when I found out you two were together”

“Understatement”

“But I am glad” JJ said, “I swear. He deserves every happiness”

“I believe you” Elle’s expression softened “I know you’ve been supportive since the shooting. I also know it’s possible to feel different things at once”

Not that Elle had ever spoken about it but when Charlie and Bethenny had gotten married there had been a tiny part of her that had felt sad. Not because Charlie had fallen in love with someone else, they had never been compatible in that way, but because for the longest time she had been the person he had gone to for advice and support. Elle was his rock and it had been nice to give that to someone, it made her feel strong. It was only afterwards that Elle realised how freeing it was not to feel like that anymore. The sadness she felt was for a period of her life that had come to an end, after that she was a new person and so was Charlie. They were both so much happier after they broke up and met new people but more importantly they had been able to grow and thrive.

“I don’t know what you should do either” Elle said, moving the conversation back. JJ had to come to her own revelation unprompted. “But I know you can’t take too long. At the very least you need to talk to him now. Be honest, say things are complicated and that you need time”

“He’ll understand?”

“He’s the most understanding person I know,” said Elle “And he loves you dearly” Not in the way you want, Elle didn’t add. The anger from earlier had subsided and Elle couldn’t stomach kicking JJ when she was down.

“Thank you” JJ wiped her eyes with her sleeve “You were far nicer than I would have been”

Elle didn’t say anything, she just smiled as JJ gathered her bag and walked home. She cut a slightly sad figure as she headed round the corner. Things were by no means settled and Elle still wasn’t sure she had done the right thing. All she knew is that she couldn’t let Spencer stew. The not knowing would drive him crazy.

Back at home Spencer was reading, or at least he had been before falling asleep on the sofa, one arm flung behind his head. Elle smiled down at him, he looked far calmer, and content than when she had left that morning. Perhaps JJ had called. Being careful not to wake him, Elle gently laid a blanket over him and then settled down in the opposite chair ready for when he woke.

**Author's Note:**

> This is yet another entry to the CM Bingo 2019. The square I'm filling is coffee order (yeah it's a stretch)


End file.
